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Friday 7 March 2008

Bad Blogger !!!

I have been a very bad blogger recently. I've not been too clever recently as I realised that my problems couldn't be solved by going on holiday for a week.

Paul's snoring when I got back off holiday drove me round the bend and I thought I was going to lose my marbles. I had a nervous breakdown about 4 years ago and felt myself slipping back into the abyss and it really scared me. We ended up buying a single bed and although it was a difficult decision to make I started sleeping apart from Paul. This has helped me stop and think about what is REALLY wrong with me. I have realised that I was slipping back into my hate myself phase which is so terribly destructive. I give the impression I am this happy go lucky person and I am so unhappy a lot of the time because my self image is so poor. I think little of myself and cannot reconcile that someone else would not think the same. I'd totally lost my confidence and felt like I didn't matter to anyone or exist. Of course this couldn't be further from the truth, but when you feel like this there is nothing you can do and no one can tell you otherwise.

I have now come to the conclusion it is because I am so overweight and feel a bit trapped. I have decided I do not want to inhabit this fat person anymore and although I have a huge amount of weight to lose have decided to embrace it is a complete change of my life, not just a diet.

Paul and I have joined a gym 2 weeks ago and are going 4 times a week. A lot of the time we are going before work as it opens at 6.30am and I can honestly say I feel so much better and more positive. It is making me feel more bouncy and alive and for the 1st time in my life I am enjoying being active. It is costing us £55 per month each to go so I feel I need to 'get my money's worth' but also I am REALLY enjoying going - it's a weird feeling. I hope the novelty doesn't wear off !

One really good thing that has come out of it is that I have been able to sleep with Paul again all this week. If he is snoring I am sound asleep and cannot hear it. One night I couldn't sleep very much and I didn't hear him snoring. This is good news, if going to the gym will stop him snoring so bad that is worth much more than £55. If I am able to sleep with him again tonight I am going to deflate the single bed as I think that we may have solved the problem.

Also I think it is making me more tired so I am having a much better quality of sleep. I also think that mentally I am much happier with myself as I am actively doing something about my problem. Win Win all round I think.

So I have got a fair few projects that I did before I went away that haven't been blogged. My MOJO pretty much left me whilst I was so low and I couldn't even do my RAK's and felt awful about that. Thanks to some wonderful friends for being there for me and pulling me out of the black hole. I have however now found my creative side again and have started fulfilling commissions so over the next few days will be blogging them all.

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